Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Grandpa Anarchy Tales -- Garden Variety



Garden Variety
Mark Allen Davis


Doctor Zero Hour the Third paused to laugh a maniacal laugh.  About him, lights flashed.  Machinery hummed.  Behind and above him, a large computer screen displayed a map of North America.

“So!  Grandpa Anarchy, and his dumbkoff sidekick.  Vhat vas ze name again?  Oh, yes.  Ze Great Society Kid.  So, you thought you could sneak into my Zero Fortress und put ze halt to mine evil plans?  Fool!  You haff fallen into mine trap!”

“You’ll never get away with it!” the Great Society Kid screamed.

“Oh?  Und how vill you stop me, silly boy?”

"You know," said Grandpa Anarchy, struggling to free himself from the grip of four beefy storm troopers, "I killed your grandfather, Hiemmel Schnitzel.  Berlin, 1943."

"Indeed," Doctor Verner Schnitzel said.  "Und it vas such a pity.  Grandfather vas a brilliant man.  If not for you, his plans vould surely have resulted in victory for ze third reicht!"

Grandpa nodded.  "And I also killed your father, Doctor David Schnitzel.  Paris, 1959."

"Dat vun has alvays confounded me, Mister Anarchy.  Vat vas my father vas planning to do?  Alas, he never confided his plan to anyvun, not evun his own son.  No vun but you."

Grandpa Anarchy shrugged.  "I got no idea,” he said.  “I killed him before he could explain it."

"Ah.  Vell, no matter.  Father and I ver never zat close.  But as for you and I... I do not think things will be ending in quite ze same vay.  Today I vill haff my revenge upon not just you, but upon all of ze vorld!  Muhahahahhaahahahahahhahahaha!"

“You’ll never get away with it!” yelled the Great Society Kid.

Doctor Zero Hour the Third frowned.  “Silly boy.  You repeat yourself.  Haff you nothing more to say?”

  "You'll never..." the Great Society Kid paused.  "I do not!" he retorted after a moment.

“Indeed," replied the villain.  "So, Grandpa Anarchy, before you die, I vill reveal to you my evil plan.  I am sure you van to hear it....”

Grandpa shrugged.  "Not really."

"Vell too bad!  I am going to tell you anyvay!"

"I figured as much."

""Well you see, according to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principal....”

Grandpa Anarchy slammed his heel down on a jackbooted foot.  An arm came free.  He slammed an elbow into a chin.  He pulled a glock pistol from its holster and shot its owner.

"Vait, vait!  Vhat are you doing?” exclaimed Doctor Zero Hour the Third.  “I haff not evun explained my master plan!"

"Fine by me," Grandpa said, spinning.  He aimed and pulled the trigger.

“Great Scott!” exclaimed the Great Society Kid.  “Grandpa, you’ve killed him!”

"Yeah,” Grandpa said.  “Easier that way.”

The remaining stormtroppers fled the complex, leaving the hero and his sidekick alone.  The Great Society Kid stared down at the lifeless corpse of their sworn enemy.

“I’m pretty sure this is a violation of his civil rights,” said the Kid.  “More importantly, he was going to reveal his evil plan....”

Yeah, and you know what?” Grandpa said.  “ I didn't care.”  He flopped down in the villain’s command chair, then propped his boots up on the console.  “See, I ain't your garden variety hero.  Why wait until the last minute to save the earth if I can stop him sooner?  Makes things much more nice and neat, lets me take a load off.”

“But Grandpa, how are we going to stop it if we don't know what it is?"

Grandpa Anarchy spread his arms wide.  "Doctor Zero Hour the Third is dead.  His plan is stopped.”

“But...”

"What if he's already set it in motion?"  Grandpa laughed.  He lit a cigar.  "Nah, kid, it don't work that way.  See, Doctor Zero Hour was precisely a garden variety villain.  I don't mean he wasn't brilliant or dangerous.  I just mean he'd never ever set a plan in motion without explaining it in painstaking detail to me first.  Like all these fruitcake mad scientists, he wanted me to see his dream in action.  As if I give a rat's ass how he did anything.  Trust me, he was just waiting for us to realize the full horror of his plan before pushing the button or throwing the switch.”  Grandpa took a puff on his cigar, then added.  “Just be careful, there's probably some sort of switch or big button around here somewhere."

"Uh... speaking of which...." Great Society Kid began.

"Yes?"

The kid pointed to Grandpa Anarchy's boots, propped on the desk.  Grandpa lifted them.

"Aw, horse puckey," Grandpa swore, staring down at the now-depressed red button.  "Dang it all!  ...I wonder what it does?

FINI

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